Such a Simple Thing

(Surveyor Dec. 2003) Small Things editorial -

It seemed like such a simple thing.
Such a small, useless, petty little thing. It wasn’t the worst thing I’d ever done, not by a long shot. It wasn’t the meanest or the dumbest…but looking back on it, years later, it’s the only thing in my life I can say with honesty that I regret with all my heart.
A few years ago, I saw a friend at a local bar. I was out with a group of friends from school, and he was sitting with some people who I wasn’t getting along with at the time. There were no ill feelings between the two of us, but when he asked me to join them for a beer I refused, not wanting to talk to anyone from their group. I walked away and I didn’t say a word to them all night.
It was the last time I saw him alive.
A week later, my friend Niall, a 6″2, 190lb basketball player, was killed by a single punch to the head. He fell, hit his head on a curb and a blood vessel burst in his face. He slipped into a coma and died the next day. That was exactly two years ago to the day of this writing.
I have to walk by the spot he was killed on my way to school and not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. I’ve only told one other person that story. I don’t know why I’m writing it now.
I guess my hope, even though it contradicts my point, is that maybe it will keep someone from having to feel the same way I do.
Because life can change. And when it does, it can sweep down like the wrath of God and nothing you know will ever be the same again.
Most times I’ll just take the hit, feel like an idiot, learn from what I’ve done and move on. It’s how we grow as human beings.
But this time was different; this was so much more than a mistake.
Because even though I know my friend, if he were still with us, would never even think twice about my actions that night and would forgive me in a heartbeat- I just don’t know if I can forgive myself.
It’s always the simple things you regret, the small things. You miss them more I think because they happen so often, so frequently that you don’t even notice how important they are until they’re gone. Although his death hurt us terribly and I will always miss my friend, my last memories should have been of laughter and good conversation. Instead they are filled with pride and anger, sulking and self-pity.
Life, God, Karma or just plain luck conspired to give me the chance to sit down and have one last conversation with my friend and I spit in its face. It cost me more than I would have ever imagined and the shame of it haunts me still.
There is a movie called ‘The Big Kahuna’, with Kevin Spacey, Danny Devito and Peter Facinelli. The following conversation takes place between Devito’s character Larry Mann and Facinelli’s character Bob Walker. I’m using it here because it fits with what I’m trying to say and the character and I are both named Robert Walker.
Bob: “Are you saying I won’t have any character unless I do something I regret?”
Larry: “No, Bob. I’m saying you’ve already done plenty of things to regret. You just don’t know what they are. It’s when you discover them, when you see the folly in something you’ve done and you wish you had it to do over. But you know you can’t because it’s too late. So you pick that thing up and you carry it with you. To remind you that life goes on. Then you will attain character. Because honesty will reach out from inside and tattoo itself across your face.”
I would give nearly anything to be able to make that decision again, to have one last beer with my friend. But that’s the thing, as much as you want it, as much as you may need it, the time is past and will never come again.
For all those people who say “I regret nothing” I say you’re either lying, haven’t lived a very full life or just haven’t realized you already regret something. Because as much as we hate it, regret is a part of life and sooner or later it will come to you. And while you can try to prevent it, the only important things are how you face it when it comes and how you carry it with you afterwards.